Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
