they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
