opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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