clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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