awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
