Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
