Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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