Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
