she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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