You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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