hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
