I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
