my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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