I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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