Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
