I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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