i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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