Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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