then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
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He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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