my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Pooping to opera.
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