Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
