Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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