thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Randomize
