my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
