I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
