Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
