I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
