I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
