im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
