highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
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I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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