Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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