i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
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I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
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Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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