a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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