did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
