You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
