my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
