Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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