My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
