That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
