It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Can you rollerblade?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...