My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?