Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING