Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
NoShamevember. You game?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
