DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
