The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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