He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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