I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
