pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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