Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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