the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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