I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
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Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things