I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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