She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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