so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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