I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
