the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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