I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
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I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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