I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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