There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
