Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
